Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
My 9yo: If you didn’t have the internet in college how did you learn anything?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 12, 2018
Wheel of Fortune but the spot you land on determines what you’ll be arguing about with your kids that morning. Today I got “Shoes.”
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 10, 2018
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 9, 2018
Only some things are guaranteed in life; taxes, death, and a toddler who demands more french fries before even finishing the ones he has.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 11, 2018
It’s like dueling pianos, except it’s a 9yo on the piano and a 7yo on the kazoo and nobody would ever pay for this.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 11, 2018
I’m just typing this to look busy while my kid asks people if they want to play a board game.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2018
Me trying to make dinner for two kids and a newborn every night looks like an episode of Chopped, Super Nanny and Intervention rolled into one.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) April 10, 2018
The acronym SAHM, pronounced correctly, sounds like one agonized wail lasting from around 3pm through sundown.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) April 9, 2018
Sneak cauliflower in your cupcakes and black beans in your frosting if you’re health conscious and also hate your kids.
— Marl (@Marlebean) April 11, 2018
I’ve never related more to Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart than after trying to smuggle my kids’ old toys out of the house for donation.
— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) April 12, 2018
Me: go get dressed *yells upstairs* AND CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!
6: I just changed them yesterday!
Me: Yeah, you need to do it every day.
6: EVERY DAY?!?!
7: Calm down, she doesn’t mean like literally every day
Me: Actually that’s exactly what I mean
Is 7:43 AM too early for wine?
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 10, 2018
Me: “Don’t do that!”
My kid: “Sorry..”
Narrator: *But she wasn’t sorry, not one little bit*
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 11, 2018
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
[laying in bed]
Husband: Good morning
Me: Good morning
All 3 children sitting on top of my head: Good morning!!
— MacgyveringMom (@MacgyveringM22) April 7, 2018
[Attempt 1] Come on kids, smile for the picture
[Attempt 3] Seriously kids, just stand still and smile
[Attempt 52] I just want one goddamn pic of you kids pretending to be happy to prove to everybody that we aren’t miserable
— The Dad (@thedad) April 9, 2018
Good morning. My toddler just handed me a blank check from her sock drawer.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 9, 2018
“I know sharing is caring, but I don’t care.”
Well, at least she’s honest.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 11, 2018
OTHER MOMS: i miss my kids while they’re at school during the day
ME: by Monday morning I’m ready to launch my kids to school with one of those medieval catapult thingies
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 9, 2018
Me: I should go to bed early tonight.
Me to me: Eff that! It’s your kid free time. Binge watch shows, eat junk food & hate yourself tomorrow! pic.twitter.com/jS1yXufiLe
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 9, 2018
Parenthood has given me so many new skills, like knowing when someone is driving .5 miles over the speed limit down my street, for example.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 11, 2018
“But I just cooked dinner last night. Why do I have to do it again?”
~ Me, being Mom of the Year
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 9, 2018
Scientific studies prove that kids will take more time “picking a prize” than adults will spend deciding if they want to have kids.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 7, 2018
Me to my kid: I’m so happy you’re happy, baby!
Also me: Can you not be so loud and go be super happy somewhere else?
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) April 12, 2018